marriage

Best Age to Marry? Good Research Offers an Answer

Most everyone who marries intends to be married for life, for isn’t that what our marriage vows promise, to “have and to hold from this day forward, … till death do us part?”

Thus, parents and young adults ask this question quite often: What is the best age to marry?

They want to make sure that new marriages are established upon the strongest foundation of life, love, experience, and maturity.

But more people are putting off marriage until later in life. Today, the median age at first marriage in the United States is 30 for men and 28 for women. It has been rising markedly since 1960 where it was 23 for men and 20 for women. In 2000, it was 27 for men and 25 for women.

Is this delay in marriage wise? Is there an age at first marriage that is more ideal for marital longevity than others for men and women? Let’s look at what the research says.

A 2010 study conducted by Norval Glenn, a noted and now deceased sociologist of family from the University of Texas Austin, reported, “The greatest indicated likelihood of being in an intact marriage of the highest quality is among those who married at ages 22–25.” He adds that “findings do suggest that most persons have little or nothing to gain in the way of marital success by deliberately postponing marriage beyond the mid-twenties.”

A 2023 study of this question was conducted by a careful graduate student at Brigham Young University, Anne Marie Wright Jones. The scholar examined 16 marriage quality measures – things such as forgiveness, relationship communication, conflict management, relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction and marital instability – relative to age at first marriage.  

She explains, “I found few significant links between age at marriage and marital quality for women or men. When statistically significant relationships emerged, they were relatively weak.” 

Marital relationship satisfaction by age at first marriage looked like this:

She adds, “Also, while most men and women were happy in their marriage, age at marriage did not significantly influence their marital happiness.” She also found that “the presence of children, are a much stronger predictor of marital quality than age at marriage.” Her data showed “little support for the widely-accepted idea that marrying in your early 20s produces lower quality marriages.”

Capstone or Cornerstone Marriages?

Widely respected sociologist of marriage Andrew Cherlin was likely the first scholar to distinguish between what have become known as capstone and cornerstone marriages. What are these?

Capstone marriages are those that take place in later 20s or 30s, as the crowning capstone on individual educational and career achievements by the man and woman. Cherlin explained this in 2004: Marriage is now more often “a status one builds up to, often by living with a partner beforehand, by attaining steady employment or starting a career, by putting away some savings, and even by having children.” Marriage as the final, celebratory cap on material and status achievement.

Cornerstone marriages are essentially marriages where a couple marries in their early 20s and the marriage serves as their foundation of building a life of further education, career establishment and having kids together. For these, marriage is the foundational cornerstone facilitating life achievement and family growth.

Cherlin adds:

Marriage’s place in the life course used to come before those investments were made, but now it often comes afterward. It used to be the foundation of adult personal life; now it is sometimes the capstone.

These are indeed two competing views of marriage in the adult life course. Is one better at establishing a long-term, healthy marriage and life than the other? Many assume capstone marriages would be stronger because they come after schooling and career are established. This does not appear to be true.

The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia released a report in 2022 which employed three reputable datasets with large, nationally representative samples to compare marital success outcomes from cornerstone and capstone marriages. The team “found little evidence that capstone marriages are more stable than cornerstone marriages.”

In fact, they found “some evidence that, on average, cornerstone or early marriages may enjoy slightly higher relationship quality than capstone marriages.”

The good folks at the Institute for Family Studies (IFS) have written two very helpful articles on the positives of early adulthood marriages.

One entitled “Marry Early and Flourish Together” makes the case for the measurable benefits of early twenty-something marriages. After presenting compelling research evidence for his case, author Kasen Stephensen concludes:

By seeking marriage earlier rather than postponing it indefinitely, you’re not just avoiding the frantic musical chairs of your 30s – you’re creating the opportunity to dance through life’s challenges and triumphs with someone who loves you, supports you, and helps you grow.

The other IFS piece, by Lyman Stone and Brad Wilcox, presents “evidence suggesting that religious Americans are less likely to divorce even as they are more likely to marry younger than 30.” One leading reason is because “religious marriages in America may be more stable is that religion reduces young adults’ odds of cohabiting prior to marriage, even though it increases their likelihood of marrying at a relatively young age.”

Finally, noted University of Texas sociologist Mark Regnerus has also persuasively made a case for wisdom of early marriages. In 2009 he contended:

If a young couple displays maturity, faith, fidelity, a commitment to understanding marriage as a covenant, and a sense of realism about marriage, then it’s our duty – indeed, our pleasure – to help them expedite the part of marriage that involves public recognition and celebration of what God is already knitting together. We ought to “rejoice and delight” in them, and praise their love (Song of Sol. 1:4).
Conclusion

Marriage is vitally important. Society cannot function without it, literally. So, founding new marriages on a strong foundation is essential, not just for the couple, but for the community.

There are compelling reasons why early twenty-something marriage can be wise for young, mature couples of serious faith who have the support of their parents. It can serve as a helpful and empowering cornerstone for a long, prosperous and rewarding life of growing together. It can also serve as a witness and encouragement to others who are considering marriage but believe the growing societal script that they are “too young to marry.”

Afterall, ask any couple who has been married fifty years or more, and you are likely to hear a story of an early twenty-something marriage that served as their own cornerstone launching pad for the successful and rewarding life they now live.

Related Articles and Resources

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Are Men or Women More Likely to Be Married?

New Research Shows Married Families Matter More Than Ever

Why You Should Care About the Growing Positive Power of Marriage

Important New Research on How Married Parents Improve Child Well-Being

New Research: Marriage Still Provides Major Happiness Premium

Cohabitation Still Harmful – Even as Stigma Disappears

Don’t Believe the Modern Myth. Marriage Remains Good for Women

Don’t Believe the Modern Myth. Marriage Remains Good for Men.

Yes, Married Mothers Really Are Happier Than Unmarried and Childless Women

Marriage and the Public Good: A New Manifesto of Policy Proposals

New Research Shows Marriage and Fatherhood Regulate Male Sexual Energy

Did you know that when men marry according to God’s design and become fathers, nature is aligned in such a way that it lowers their testosterone (T) levels in helpful ways? Men with lower T tend to be more focused on their duties toward marriage and family as it lowers libido, aggression and infidelity risk. This increases nurturing behaviors and long-term pair-bonding. The Daily Citizen reported on this larger body of research last year.

But new research conducted by scholars from the University of Notre Dame have shown that this reduction in T induced by marriage and fatherhood remains for years, even decades and is maintained with the addition of more children into one’s family. A data graph from this study demonstrates that partnered men (P) with one or more children have the lowest T levels among peers in other familial settings or being single.

These scholars explain, “Specifically, we found that partnered men living with older children, particularly two or more, had lower testosterone than single men and partnered men not residing with children.” The effect size was notable. They add, “This is among the first evidence showing lower testosterone in … fathers with older children, specifically.”

They also explain, “In our analysis of young-to-middle aged U.S. men, we found that partnered men, including those residing with children, did not have increased risk of clinically-low testosterone compared to single men not living with children.” This means that T reduction for married fathers is at ideally helpful levels and not harmful to health and well-being.

These researchers explain that “fathers with lower testosterone engage in more nurturant, direct care of children and have higher quality relationships” with their wives.

There has been a good bit of research published on this question over the last 20 years.

A 10-year follow-up study of over one thousand 30 to 60-year-old men published in 2017 observed how T declined as men entered into marriage and lived as husbands, as opposed to just comparing married with unmarried men. These men were part of a long-term health survey in Denmark. The research team reports, “We observed that men who went from unmarried to married experienced the largest decline in circulating T levels over a ten-year period.” Men newly divorced experienced increased T levels as they found themselves back “on the market.”

A 2015 study in the journal Evolutionary Psychology found that outside of marriage “men in polyamorous relationships (with multiple committed partners) have greater levels of testosterone than those in monogamous relationships.” Wives settle men down, but multiple women as partners have the opposite effect. And the more permanent and long-term the relationship, the lower the T levels, compared to single men. This study also explains, “Further findings suggest that fathers have lower levels of testosterone than non-fathers independently of relationship status, and that pair-bonded fathers demonstrate lower levels than pair-bonded non-fathers.”

A 2011 study, conducted by the author of this new Notre Dame study, demonstrates how testosterone levels properly fluctuate for men through the life-course of seeking a mate, living as a settled-down married men, then as a father:

Using longitudinal data, these results demonstrate that high T not only predicts mating success (i.e., partnering with a female and fathering a child) in human males but that T is then greatly reduced after men enter stable relationships and become fathers.

 One of the earlier efforts to study this phenomenon, a 2002 Harvard paper published in Evolution and Human Behavior, established that controlling for age, married fathers have markedly lower T levels compare to their unmarried peers and slightly lower levels compared to married men without children.

This chart shows the distinction:

In a 2006 Canadian study, investigators state bluntly that their data “suggests that the relationship between T and partner status is only seen in individuals who are interested in, and partner with, women.” Very interesting.

Men do not tend to settle other men down. Wives and mothers do this for men because female sexuality and biology are more family focused. George Gilder explains this in his critically important work, Men and Marriage: “The crucial process of civilization is the subordination of male sexual impulses and biology to the long-term horizons of female sexuality.”

This influential exchange between men and women is something that family health and longevity require. Research from leading universities around the world tell us this happens at a very intimate and invisible hormonal level between husband and wife.

We are indeed fearfully and wonderfully made.

Erika Kirk to Women: Don’t use the government to put off marriage.

Young women shouldn’t rely on the government to put off getting married, Erika Kirk cautioned at The New York Times’ DealBook Summit this week.

DealBook’s Andrew Ross Sorkin interviewed Kirk in lieu of her late husband, Charlie, who had been scheduled to appear. A gunman assassinated the conservative leader in September.

Sorkin asked Kirk her opinion on New York City mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani, who won 75% of New York voters between 18 and 29 years old last month. Charlie, Sorkin noted, built significant popularity with the same demographic.

Kirk, a former Manhattanite, reflected on struggling to survive alone in the big city.

“I think there’s a tendency, especially when you live in a city like Manhattan, where you are so career driven, [to] look to the government as a form of replacement for certain relationships,” she mused.

“What I don’t want to have happen is young women in the city looking to the government as a solution to put off having a family or marriage because they’re relying on the government to support [them] instead of being united with a husband.”

Kirk’s comments compliment decades of research showing marriage benefits people more than almost any other social institution — including the government.

Married people experience better physical and mental health outcomes than their unmarried counterparts, due, in part, to the way marriage compounds wealth. Married couples tend to live in nicer housing, eat healthier food and have access to better healthcare — the same essentials Mamdani’s campaign promised to make less expensive.

But marriage confers more than mere economic benefit. Between 1975 and 2018, roughly one-third of married people reported feeling happy on the U.S. General Social Survey, compared to just 13% of cohabiting people and 2% of unmarried people.  

The social support married people enjoy over single people could help explain the disparity in happiness between the two groups. A recent study of nearly 5,000 single adults in the U.S. and Japan concluded, “Married Americans reported the most family support, which helped boost their well-being.”

In contrast, the study found single Americans “often feel isolated and unsupported, particularly when it comes to emotional guidance and support.”

Kirk experienced the happiness differential herself. She had been all-in on pursuing a career when she met Charlie.

“Charlie essentially plucked me out of the New York City orbit and was like, ‘No, I have a healthier way of viewing things and looking at life,’” she told Sorkin. “And he was right.”

She continued:

I remember thinking, if I would have stayed on that path I was on, I would have lost out on some of the most beautiful moments of my life — children, having a husband and being able to create and build something so incredible.

Too few single women, particularly on the left, hear experiences like Kirk’s. Professor Brad Wilcox, a sociological expert on marriage and family, believes young liberal men and women do not benefit from the same pro-family messaging young conservatives do.

“Progressive messaging that devalues, denies and deconstructs the value of family life and celebrates solo living in recent years is leaving its mark on the hearts, minds and lives of young liberals,” Wilcox and research fellow Grant Bailey write in the Institute for Family Studies, citing troubling articles like “Married heterosexual motherhood in America … is a game no one wins” (The New York Times) and “Divorce led me to my happily ever after” (The Washington Post).

Popular and liberal media further portray family as uniquely burdensome for women.

“Being free of family encumbrances …  is often held up as an important pathway to living a meaningful and happy life for women,” Wilcox and Bailey explain.

Lies like these steer single women — and men — away from one of their best statistical chances at happiness and fulfillment. The testimonies of women like Erika Kirk help correct the record and encourage family formation over dependence on the government.

All Christians should follow her example.

Additional Articles and Resources

Marriage and Parenting Are Now Partisan Issues, With Liberals Falling Behind

Research Shows Marriage Boosts Well Being

Are Men or Women More Likely to Be Married?

New Research Shows Married Families Matter More Than Ever

Why You Should Care About the Growing Positive Power of Marriage

Important New Research on How Married Parents Improve Child Well-Being

New Research: Marriage Still Provides Major Happiness Premium

Cohabitation Still Harmful – Even as Stigma Disappears

Don’t Believe the Modern Myth. Marriage Remains Good for Women

Don’t Believe the Modern Myth. Marriage Remains Good for Men.

Yes, Married Mothers Really Are Happier Than Unmarried and Childless Women

Marriage and the Public Good: A New Manifesto of Policy Proposals

Vatican Reaffirms: Marriage is Between One Man and One Woman

The Vatican has reaffirmed, in a new document published on November 25, the biblical truth that marriage is the union of one man and one woman.

The document, “‘Una Caro’ (One Flesh): In praise of monogamy. Doctrinal note on the value of marriage as an exclusive union and mutual belonging,” was released after Pope Leo XIV approved its publication on November 21.

It states clearly that marriage is “the unique and exclusive union between a single woman and a single man.”

Víctor Manuel Cardinal Fernández, prefect of the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith (DDF); and Monsignor Armando Matteo, secretary of the doctrinal section of the DDF, authored the document.

The DDF is the Vatican’s primary doctrine department, tasked with helping “the Roman Pontiff and the (Catholic) Bishops to proclaim the Gospel throughout the world by promoting and safeguarding the integrity of Catholic teaching on faith and morals.”

The dicastery said it issued the note in response to requests from Catholic bishops in Africa where polygamy is still common and because “various public forms of non-monogamous unions – sometimes collared ‘polyamory’ – are growing in the West.”

Una Caro reflects on the nature of monogamy through a study of Sacred Scripture, a history of Christian thought, philosophy and even poetry which “push us to choose a unique and exclusive union of love.”

The document quotes from Augustine of Hippo, who reflected on the good of unity within marriage: “Fidelity requires not having sexual relations with another man or woman.”

It also quotes from the great theologian Thomas Aquinas, who described marriage as a “society of man (and) woman.”

Furthermore, Una Caro cites Pope Leo XIV, who said in a homily given for the Jubilee of Families, Grandparents and the Elderly, “Marriage is not an ideal, but the standard of true love between a man and a woman: total, faithful, fruitful love.”

The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches that polygamy “is not in accord with the moral law” (CCC 2387). It adds,

[Conjugal] communion is radically contradicted by polygamy; this, in fact, directly negates the plan of God which was revealed from the beginning, because it is contrary to the equal personal dignity of men and women who in matrimony give themselves with a love that is total and therefore unique and exclusive.

From the very beginning, Scripture teaches that God created marriage to be the exclusive union of one man and one woman.

“And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, ‘This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:22-24, ESV).

This reality was reiterated by Jesus Christ, who taught, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19: 4-6, ESV).

The Vatican’s reaffirmation comes at an important time when the nature of marriage is being challenged in the Western world – both through “same-sex marriage” and polyamorous relationships.

Earlier this year, three men in a polyamorous relationship purchased a three-year-old girl from the Quebec government.

In 2020, Utah Governor Gary Herbert decriminalized polygamy in his state after near unanimous support from the state’s lawmakers. That year, Somerville, Massachusetts became the first U.S. city to legally recognize polyamorous relationships.

In 2021, two additional cities – Cambridge and Arlington – passed similar ordinances recognizing multi-partner relationships.

Furthermore, studies indicate that about 5% of Americans are currently in polyamorous relationships; only 49% of single Americans list monogamy as their “ideal sexual relationship structure”; and 24% of churchgoers ages 24 to 35 affirm consensual nonmonogamy as morally acceptable, according to sociologist Mark Regnerus.

These statistics should serve as a startlingly wakeup call to all orthodox Christians; the beauty and exclusivity of marriage must be taught and faithfully proclaimed.

Monogamy is important for the well-being of the spouses. Even secular academics have explained the essential societal benefits of monogamous marriage. But it’s also important because the exclusive union of one man and one woman represents a greater reality – that of Christ and His bride, the church.

The Apostle Paul writes in Ephesians 5:31-32, “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (ESV).

The late Catholic Archbishop Fulton Sheen said,

America, it is said, is suffering from intolerance — it is not. It is suffering from tolerance. Tolerance of right and wrong, truth and error, virtue and evil, Christ and chaos. Our country is not nearly so overrun with the bigoted as it is overrun with the broadminded.

In an age that is growing increasingly tolerant of polyamorous and alternative relationships, more priests, pastors and parents must boldly teach about the nature of marriage as the union of one man and one woman.

We can be grateful the Vatican has done exactly that.

Related articles and resources:

Counseling Consultation & Referrals

Biblical Perspectives on Polygamy and Polyamory

Understanding Homosexuality

10 Things Everyone Should Know About a Christian View of Homosexuality

Responding to a ‘Gay Christian’ In The Family

Resources: Homosexuality

Openly Gay ABC News Anchor Confirmed at Catholic Church in NYC

U.S. Catholic Bishops Ban ‘Transgender’ Interventions at Catholic Hospitals

African Bishops Unite to Reject Blessings for Same-Sex Couples

Utah Decriminalizes Polygamy with Near Unanimous Support by Legislators

Photo from Getty Images.

Happily Married Men and Women Should Be PR Agents for Marriage

As an institution, the state of marriage is a grim picture – as clearly shown by recent statistics. Fewer people are getting married, and those who do are getting married increasingly later in life.

In fact, since the U.S. Census Bureau began tracking it in 1940, Americans are now less likely to be married than at any other time. In 1949, 78.8% of households were led by a husband and a wife. Today, it’s just 47.1%.

The lack of marriages is a hot topic of conversation and debate in social science circles.  According to Dr. Brad Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and author of Get Married: Why Americans Should Defy the Elites, Forge Strong Families and Save Civilization, it comes down to competing worldviews.

On one side are those, now the majority, who possess the “Midas mindset” – a prioritization of individual desires – wealth, work, and bucket-list pursuits accompanied by this idea that you’re only going to get married when you find the perfect mate. A recent Pew study found that 71% of those surveyed believed a great career was the pathway to a fulfilled life compared to just 23% who believe a happy marriage will bring them the riches the world will never provide.

It’s that latter group who are part of a “family-first” approach. Dr. Wilcox contends this prioritization is supported by what he calls the “5 Cs”:

  1. Communion – A deep emotional and spiritual bond between partners
  2. Children – The role of parenting in building a lasting relationship
  3. Commitment – Unwavering dedication to the partnership
  4. Cash – The financial stability that supports a strong marriage
  5. Community – Support networks that reinforce the relationship

As you might assume, Dr. Wilcox believes marriage should be a “cornerstone” of life and not the “capstone” that’s only laid in place after you check off all the boxes on your to-do list. In other words, getting married should be foundational to everything else.

Academics and scholars such as Brad Wilcox are well-versed in the research and make a compelling intellectual and social case for marriage. Pastors are also well positioned and authorized to advocate and encourage young people to get married. After all, the Bible is clear that marriage is one of God’s best creations. “It is not good for the man to be alone,” said God Himself. “I will make a helper suitable for him” (Gen. 2:18).

The Bible also highlights marriage’s many benefits ranging from companionship to procreation to sexual intimacy to spiritual strength and personal stability. The apostle Paul also points out that marriage reflects the relationship between Christ and the Church (Eph. 5:25-26).

Yet, we should not rely entirely on professors and pastors to make the case for marriage. First in the home and then outside of it, every happily married man and woman should be talking up the institution as a wonderful blessing.

Mothers and fathers should be intentional and deliberate about not only modeling a good marriage but also sharing about why it’s so good. Every child should know how their parents met and how they fell in love. Fathers and mothers should talk with their sons and daughters about dating and discernment. The parents need to help cast a vision and explain how much better life is when you have committed your life to someone and can spend your remaining years with them.

Elderly couples should tout the joys of marriage to the young. Fathers should talk to their sons about finding a wife and mothers to daughters about finding a husband.

The sitcom Seinfeld is considered one of television’s most popular shows of all-time. Known for finding humor in the ordinary, the program nevertheless paid a great disservice to the institution of marriage on a variety of occasions, but never more so than when Jerry’s neighbor, Cosmo Kramer, tries to discourage him from getting married. Consider this exchange:

Kramer: What are you thinking about, Jerry? Marriage? Family?

Jerry: Well …

Kramer: They’re prisons. Man made prisons. You’re doing time. You get up in the morning. She’s there. You go to sleep at night. She’s there. It’s like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?

Jerry: Really?

Kramer: Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you’re eating.

Jerry: I can?

Kramer: Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it’s dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner?

Jerry: What?

Kramer: You talk about your day. How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don’t know. How about you? How was your day?

Jerry: Boy.

Kramer: It’s sad, Jerry. It’s a sad state of affairs.

Of course it’s just a fictitious show, but the program had a reputation for taking a nugget of truth and exaggerating it. Many people really believe what Kramer said – which is why fewer and fewer are pledging to stay together till the end. Ironically, the “sad state of affairs” occurs when young people deliberately choose to forgo marriage for selfish or foolish reasons.

As happily married Christian men and women, we shouldn’t be joking about marriage being a prison. We’ve all heard people sarcastically refer to it as a “ball and chain” or some variation thereof. It might get a laugh, but it also plants a poisonous seed with the unmarried.

We read a lot these days about social media influencers. Then there are those who leave product reviews on Amazon. People post about movies and music and rate food recipes all day long.

What if we devoted similar energy, attention and passion to extolling the many wonderful aspects of Christian marriage? Talk up your spouse and why you love being married to them. Enthusiasm for one of God’s greatest creations can be contagious and effective.