parenting

Back in 2012, Kathy Keller – now the widow of the beloved Dr. Tim Keller, author and founder of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City – wrote a popular article for the Gospel Coalition with a counterintuitive headline: 

“Why the City is a Wonderful Place to Raise Children.”

Here’s how she began the piece:

In 1988 when Tim first mentioned the idea of us going to Manhattan to plant a church, I reacted by laughing. Take our three wild boys (the victims of below-average parenting, as well as indwelling sin) to the center of a big city? Expose them to varieties of sin that I hoped they wouldn’t hear about until, say, their mid-30s? My list of answers to “What is wrong with this picture?” was a long, long one.

Kathy went on to tell the Kellers’ happy story of not only surviving the move and the subsequent years in Gotham, but actually loving and thriving as a Christian family amid the darkness and light of an urban area.

But Monday’s Wall Street Journal, points to a developing trend suggesting families are fleeing cities in record numbers.

A Journal analysis of U.S. Census data has found that the total number of children in America’s largest cities is down 6% over the past decade, but especially so when it comes to families with boys and girls under the age of five. The number of toddlers is down 15% in cities, compared with a nationwide decline of 7% among children overall.

“In all, the number of children declined in about two-thirds of the 38 U.S. cities with more than 500,000 residents,” reports the Journal.

Given the overall declining birthrate in America, you’d expect fewer children everywhere, but mothers and fathers are giving up on cities for a variety of reasons and some for very specific ones.

The cities suffering the most significant loss include San Jose, Calif. (-20%), Los Angeles, Calif. (-16%), Albuquerque, N.M. (-15%) and Portland, Ore. and San Diego (-14%). 

Of course, mothers and fathers with children have to go somewhere, and you can probably surmise where many of those wanting to remain in urban areas apparently have relocated – cities in “red” states. Of the top ten cities that gained children, nine of them have more conservative representation. Fort Worth, Tex., and Jacksonville, Fla. (+11%) top the charts.

Other cities in “red” states enjoying modest growth include Columbus, Ohio, Charlotte, N.C., Kansas City, Mo., and Oklahoma City.

Parents fleeing big cities often cite the high cost of living. Despite Kathy Keller’s ringing endorsement of raising children in New York City, I knew someone who once quipped it was great to do likewise, but a whole lot easier if you had someone following you with a wheelbarrow full of cash. It’s easy to see why. Rent for a three-bedroom apartment in Manhattan can be as high as $10,000 a month.

The decline of children from major metropolitan areas is triggering devastating consequences. Fewer children lead to lower tax revenue and an aging population that increasingly draws on government benefits while fewer workers are paying into the system. This spiral has caused New York City’s socialist mayor, Zohran Mamdani, to call for “free” childcare as an incentive to keep younger families with children in the five boroughs. 

But the fallout isn’t just financial. 

Fewer children lead to a less dynamic and energized environment and a far more selfish and self-centered population. Children elicit wonder and creativity. Without lots of children, churches and organizations become stale and lose vitality. Traditions fade and the entire vibe of the city shifts. Instead of seeing couples walking with children, you see singles and couples walking their dogs. 

Kathy Keller concluded her essay in 2012 by highlighting a laundry list of reasons to love city living. She prefaced it by stating:

My sons loved the city growing up, and love it even more now, not just New York, but all cities. London, Hong Kong, Berlin, Singapore all excite them, whereas a quiet, empty suburb bores them to tears. They love the density of people, the diversity of culture, even the sounds and bustle. While they have an appreciation for mountains and the sea, for camping and hiking, they always want to return to the city, with its needs (one son is a pastor) and its possibilities (one is an urban planner). Having them nearby is just a bonus.

Whether you have chosen to raise children in a city, suburb, or rural setting, we can all be in agreement that every area desperately needs young people – and that the Lord has a perfect plan for each one regardless of where they may live.

Recently distilled and released research confirms what generations of mothers and fathers have discovered to be true: parents remain the strongest influence on the current and long-term faith of their children.

Earlier this summer, our friends at the Institute for Family Studies (IFS) pored over mountains of data and came to the following conclusions:

• Religious practice in childhood is highly predictive of religious practice in adulthood

• Higher parent–child relationship quality in childhood is associated with stronger retention of religious belief and practice in adulthood

• Higher parental marital quality is associated with greater faith transmission

• Congregational involvement on the part of both parents and adolescents is linked to higher levels of faith commitment when children reach adulthood

In short, our children are watching and taking mental notes. How mothers and fathers behave today has a lasting impact on how their children live and what they believe tomorrow.

It was belief in this fundamental and foundational principle that drove Focus on the Family founder Dr. James Dobson to begin the ministry in 1977. He talked and wrote often about the influence his parents, especially his father, had on him personally as he grew in his Christian faith. In fact, it was in a Sunday evening church service that his pastor dad was preaching when he was just three years old that he walked the aisle and committed his life to Jesus.

Here’s how he recalled that pivotal incident:

[My father] invited those who wished to do so to come forward, and I joined them. I recall crying and asking Jesus to forgive my sins. It is overwhelming for me now to imagine the King of the universe caring about an insignificant kid barely out of toddlerhood!

Not all children will heed a call to faith that early or dramatically, of course—nor should they be expected to. Yet it is important to note that my own conversion at that young age was possible because of my parents’ example. From my first days, I saw them on their knees, praying and talking to the Lord. They later told me that I attempted to pray before I learned to talk, imitating the sounds I had heard.

If you set a faithful example beginning with the day your sons and daughters are born, they will never forget what they have seen and heard. Even if they reject God later, the remnant of those early memories will be with them for the rest of their lives—and may well bring them back to the fold. As parents, this is our privilege and duty as outlined in Scripture: “Bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4, KJV).

That conversion occurred nearly 90 years ago, and its impact continues to shape Focus on the Family today. Without James and Myrtle Dobsons’ example, would their son have served the Lord and years later launched a global ministry? 

Team members here share a magnificent obsession that was seeded in that small church service—to encourage and equip mothers and fathers, grandmothers and grandfathers, to pass on their faith to the next generation. It’s the most important task of parenting, and it would be impossible for us to overemphasize its importance.

IFS concludes their report with practical recommendations for mothers and fathers on how best to pass on their faith in Jesus Christ to their children:

1. Be your children’s role model for faith: If you’re not serving the Lord, don’t expect your children to behave any differently.

2. Prioritize a strong marriage and parent-child relationship: Be certain your children know how much you love your spouse and make sure you’re not putting work or social events ahead of time with your sons and daughters.

3. Make faith formation a joint effort and build it into everyday family life, including making it a regular topic of family conversation: The Christian walk is not simply a Sunday exercise but instead a seven-day-a-week adventure. 

IFS didn’t invoke the wisdom of the Bible, but Moses’ admonition in the book of Deuteronomy applies here:

And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise (Deut. 6:6-7, ESV).

Focus on the Family considers it a privilege to serve mothers and fathers and families by equipping and cheering them on when it comes to passing the baton of faith on to the next generation.