Wife. Daughter. Mom. In that Order.

A video is circulating on X featuring a young man asking other young men to prioritize, in order of importance, the relationship with their mother, wife, and daughter.

None of the men featured list their wife in the top slot. Mothers and daughters both earn top honors.

“A wife is replaceable,” says one. “You can always find another wife,” reflects another.

“I was raised by a single mother, so my mom’s gotta come first,” replies one man. “Then my daughter, then my wife.”

It’s clear from these exchanges that none of these men embrace God’s directive found in the second chapter of Genesis: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (2:24).

The failure to “leave and cleave” in a marriage has resulted in major conflict, heartache, and headache over the years. While this video is new, it’s an ancient point of tension and the reason it’s addressed in the very first book of the Bible.

Scholars will tell you that to “leave” in Hebrew is to “forsake” or “depart,” “let loose,” or “leave behind.” That doesn’t mean the child is supposed to completely abandon or ignore their mother or father, but it does suggest we’re to reprioritize our relationship with our parents and make sure our spouse isn’t competing for our attention. 

This transfer of loyalty can be jarring for everyone involved. Some parents might get their feelings hurt. The son or daughter might feel guilty. Families should anticipate a season of transition as they navigate the new dynamic.

As a child, I remember my mother talking about how my grandfather (her father) would leave their Jersey City apartment early each Sunday morning to take his mother to church. He’d then have breakfast with his mother back at her apartment. He’d finally arrive back home to a frazzled wife trying to get the girls ready for church – and then traipse off to their church with them. 

My mother said the arrangement “irritated” her mother – but she remained quiet, assuming it was a temporary season given the old woman’s advanced age. I don’t think my grandmother expected her husband to ignore his mother, but she clearly felt like she was playing second fiddle come the Lord’s Day.

Dr. Henry Cloud, a popular guest on the Focus on the Family with Jim Daly radio show, has stressed the importance of finding a healthy balance when it comes to adult child and parent relationships. 

“It is so important to have multi-generational in-law great relationships,” he’s said. “There’s grandparenting relationships that are so important. There’s all sorts of stuff. You’ve gotta have the high value of in-laws.”

Pastor Ted Cunningham, another popular guest and author, has urged mothers and fathers to prepare for this transition years before it’s even likely to take place.

According to Pastor Ted, families are launching kids into life rather than launching young adults. He calls it “prolonged adolescence” and characterizes the teen and early college years as “too much privilege, not enough responsibility.”

“[Parents need] to help them understand privilege is at the end of responsibility,” he says. “You have to start laying on more of the responsibility, you have to start allowing them to make more decisions. If it’s true we treat our children like children right up until the very day we expect them to be adults, this is why so many young people crash and burn. They’re just not ready for the responsibility of all that freedom.”

Part of that responsibility for Christians is knowing how to prioritize their adult relationships when getting married. Outside our relationship with Jesus Christ, our spouse should be our top priority. If the Lord blesses us with children, they should come next. Then our parents. This doesn’t mean we might not encounter a difficult season when it comes to caring for a mother or father. But when it comes to regular, day-to-day operations, it should always be, “Spouse. Child. Parent.”

And in that order.

Image credit: Internet Hall of Fame