dating Archives

It’s basic law of nature: Young men meet young women, get married and begin building a meaningful life together. It’s how a family starts.

But how couples meet today really matters. By strong margins, most couples now meet online. Unfortunately, very few meet through family or church.

In fact, in 1960, most U.S. couples (24%) met through friends; 19% met through family, while only 6% met through church.

In 2000, friend introductions held strong at 28%, while co-worker introductions and meeting at a bar took second and third place (15% and 13%, respectively). Family introductions took fourth place at 11%.

Only 5% met at church, rivaled by online dating (also 5%).

By 2024, a whopping 61% of couples met online, followed by meeting through friends (14% ) and coworkers (9%). Family was a paltry 4% and church was 2%.

You can see the changing trends in this creative video.

With most couples meeting online, it’s inevitable that relational strength and success will be impacted.

Early research indicated that meeting online had a slight positive effect on marital satisfaction and protecting against separation or divorce.

But later research conducted by the Institute for Family Studies demonstrated that meeting online was the least beneficial source for happy marriages, trailed only by bars. Church-facilitated meetings resulted in the highest levels of being “very happy” in marriage.

A new study by a team of psychologists from Poland’s University of Wroclaw examined this question anew with nationally representative data from 50 internationally diverse countries.

The first line of their study correctly notes, “The Internet has fundamentally reshaped how people meet and form romantic relationships.”

They concluded meeting online is not the best way to build the strongest, happy relationships and marriages.

They report, “On average, participants who met their partners online reported lower relationship satisfaction and lower intensity of experienced love compared to those who met offline, with effect sizes ranging from small to medium.”

Those who met in person tended to have healthier and more satisfactory interactions in intimacy, passion and commitment. The research team reported “these differences were generally small” but “importantly, these differences remained significant even after controlling for a broad set of demographic covariates, including gender, age, relationship length, socioeconomic status, [and] education.”

Why the Difference?

Why do online-introduced couples generally have less fulfilling relationships? Scholars offer three possible reasons:

People who meet through their families, friends, church or work communities tend to have similar values and interests because how they meet selects for these similarities. Sociologists call this homogamy, or similarities in people’s sociological, educational and values background. People have fewer similarities when meeting online.
Although related, having an overabundance of choices is uniquely a problem of online dating. Meeting a potential spouse through family, friends, school, work or one’s own neighborhood are all very powerful sifting mechanisms. One is likely to find like-minded individuals through similar interests and activities or through family and friends who know you well. Online dating, however, opens the door to many more possibilities. People are more likely to compromise in important areas because of the many options out there.
In online dating, people commonly misrepresent themselves and it is difficult to distinguish between reality and fiction. The research team explains, “These inaccuracies are harder to conceal in face-to-face meetings, especially when shared social circles enable easier verification of personal details.”

As online dating becomes the main way people meet a potential spouse today, it is important to realize some ways of meeting a spouse produce healthier relationships and marriages over others.

These scholars conclude the study with this warning, “While online venues offer unprecedented opportunities for connection – especially across geographic and social boundaries – our findings suggest that relationships initiated offline are, on average, characterized by higher satisfaction and more intense feelings of love.”

Just another reason to favor and invest in IRL (in real life) communities of meaning.

Related Articles and Resources

If you or someone you know is struggling with marriage issues, Focus on the Family offers a one-time complimentary consultation with our ministry’s professionally trained counseling staff. The consultation is free due to generous donor support.

To reach Focus on the Family’s counseling service by phone, call 1-855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. (Mountain Time). Please be prepared to leave your contact information for a counselor to return a call to you as soon as possible. Alternatively, you can fill out our Counseling Consultation Request Form.

Don’t Believe the Modern Myth. Marriage Remains Good for Men

New Focus on the Family Report: Marriage Health in America

Important New Research on How Married Parents Improve Child Well-Being

How Marriage Fights Against Deaths of Despair

Yes, Married Mothers Really Are Happier Than Unmarried and Childless Women

New Research: Marriage Still Provides Major Happiness Premium

Focus on the Family Marriage Report: Few Troubled Marriages Seek Needed Help

Harvard Evolutionary Biologist Brilliantly Explains Necessity of Monogamous Marriage

Important New Book Explains Why Marriage Still Matters

Image credit: Data is Beautiful / YouTube

Fair warning: If you are looking for an examination of marriage’s benefits or why it’s declining, this piece is not for you. Please read one of the articles linked at the bottom of the page.

If, however, you’re looking for an uncomfortably honest, completely anecdotal explanation of why the nice young men and women in your life aren’t getting hitched — I’m glad you’re here.

My name is Emily. I’m a twenty-something Christian with a college degree, a personality and the ability to make eye contact in conversation. For a long time, I assumed this would be enough to interest potential life partners. I entered the dating pool without artifice, looking for solid friendships and conversation that could eventually turn into something more.

That’s not how modern dating works. If you want to find a partner, you have to play the game — and the game is shaped by social media, dating apps and casual sex.

I am ill-equipped to play this game, a lesson I began learning in college when a fellow student asked for my Snapchat.

“I don’t have a Snapchat, but you can have my number!” I replied, much to his confusion.

Unbeknownst to me, I’d skipped several steps in a modern courtship ritual. When two people want to get to know each other better, they exchange social media accounts to communicate. Only when a relationship becomes more serious are phone numbers exchanged.

By prematurely offering my digits, I’d communicated an inappropriate amount of interest and completely freaked out my classmate. Safe to say he didn’t text me.

After this incident, I briefly obtained a Snapchat. Bad call. The app famous for its “disappearing” pictures is a favorite for sending nude pictures.

At first, I thought this was unique to one or two sleazy men. But I came to realize couples communicating over social media frequently exchanged explicit images, either as a precursor to a hook-up or a step toward making a relationship more serious.

I also learned that young people — particularly women — are expected to know that communicating on social media will result in some kind of proposition or unwanted image. People who send unsolicited images generally express surprise or confusion, rather than sheepishness, when their advances are (strenuously) rebuffed.

I think I deleted Snapchat within a month of downloading it. But it doesn’t change the impact social media, dating apps and casual sex had, and continues to have, on singles around me.

Most modern romantic interactions begin with the assumption that some sexual exchange will occur. Unless someone explicitly corrects this assumption, both parties interpret every word, look or gesture through this lens. If I had a nickel for every time I thought I’d made a genuine connection only to be aggressively propositioned and realize they didn’t remember my name — I’d have a lot of nickels.

The expectation of physicality comes, in part, from people’s expectation that romantic relationships form out of nothing. No longer do romantic relationships commonly spring from friendships. Single people turn to bars, dating apps and mixers to meet other people interested in a relationship. Outside these specific situations, romantic prospects are evaluated instantaneously (thank you, dating apps).

If none seem likely, the proverbial “dating glasses” come off. Singles in churches, offices and social groups stop looking for romantic relationships because they think they’ve already ruled them out.

This is the soup young people are swimming through. Many, including myself, frequently abstain from dating rather than mining for a genuine interaction in the muck.

There’s no quick solution to this problem; it’s the complex product of cultural attitudes toward sex and technology. But you can stop it from getting worse. Take time to understand the issue and show compassion to the twenty-somethings in your life. It’s wacky out here, and not all of us are lazy, spoiled or incompetent.

Additional Articles and Resources

Mapping Declining US Marriage Rates

Myths Persist: Pop Culture Wrongly Steers Women Away From Marriage

Family Scholars Explain the Current Marriage Paradox in America

Reclaiming the Truth About Marriage

Marriage Rates are Declining, But Christian Men and Women Still Very Likely to Get Married

No, Young Adults, Marriage Has Not ‘Outlived Its Usefulness’

Meta Takes Steps to Prevent Kids from Sexting