The invention of new family forms never stops. It just continues.
It started in the 1960s and 70s with the separation of sex and babies from marriage, marriage from parenting with the expressive divorce, and the single-parent-by-choice revolution. That was followed through the 1980s and 90s with drastic rises in cohabitation. Then we had the radical redefinition of and de-sexing of the family with same-sex marriage.
Now it’s polyamory, throuples and polycules. And these new forms are going mainstream. Within days, The New York Times recently published two features highlighting the mainstreaming of polyamory.
For the uninitiated, polyamory is group pairings as the word literally implies: many loves. Of course, this is a perversion of that very important four-letter word. It is not love. It is agreed upon infidelity among multiple partners that often evolve in number.
The first Times article recently highlighting polyamory was published February 28 of this year, reporting on the growing legal recognition of this experimental relational form. They report, “A wave of recent local ordinances in large liberal bastions like Portland, Ore., … would confer the beginning of legal protections to polyamorous relationships.” But this ordinance is not the beginning.
The city council of Somerville, Mass., gave legal recognition to people in polyamory relationships in early 2023. One of those city councilpersons explained before their unanimous vote, “Everyone on the City Council knows someone who is polyamorous. This is Somerville.”
The Times noted that a recent polyamory initiative in Olympia, Washington, grew out of demands from queer activists. They quote Robert Vanderpool, an Olympia City Council member who explained, “We heard from people in our L.G.T.B.Q. community who wanted more protection, including people living polyamorously.”
Yes, many of us, years ago, warned that when you define male or female out of marriage and family, there is no reason to keep either to two adults. It’s how this works. We were called ridiculous. Of course we were not. It was obvious this was coming.
The second recent piece from the Gray Lady, published March 4, was a splashy feature of a woman named Lindy West who “thought she couldn’t handle polyamory.” They explain, “She was wrong.” West married a man named Ahamefule Oluo in 2015 who fashionably goes by they/them pronouns. A woman named Roya Amirsoleymani is now their third partner.
As you can guess, it was West’s husband’s idea to “diversify” their relationship by hooking up with Roya as his new girlfriend. Lindy didn’t take it well, but she was forced to adjust. Liberal patriarchy at work.
The Free Press even observed, writing about Lindy’s unconventional home, “Say it with me now: open marriages never work.” They note Lindy “loves being treated like a child by the man she was supposed to grow old with – and the woman who has taken her place in his bed.” Women are never empowered by non-monogamy.
In 2024, The New York Times Magazine also did a splash on a similar, but different kind of new relationship configuration: polycules. The piece is entitled “Lessons From a 20-Person Polycule” with the subtitle “How they set boundaries, navigate jealousy, wingman their spouses and foster community.” A polycule is essentially a super-sized polyamorous relationship. More is better. The photo accompanying the article features at least eight men and women embracing romantically. They admit, “It’s difficult to describe a polycule.”
Katie, a member of this confab, honestly confesses, “The polycule is like this weird family.” Ann, another member, tells us they all make up a “chosen family.” She admits, “It works like complex kinship networks work — just a little kinkier,” adding, “It reflects radical queer values.” Katie explains there are more than 20 people in their polycule and age ranges from mid-20s to mid-40s. She confusingly explains:
Yes, they are just making up new words and identities. But Nico explains the group is governed by “a bunch of queer women who say we’re not going to follow the rules.”
Some polycule’s boast including several children in their family experimentation. The Guardian even claims, incredulously, that such homes bring no harm to these children. We all know that is not true.
And then there are throuples. In mid-December, The Wall Street Journal broached the vexing problem in a handsome spread of how one upper-middle class Chicago throuple maneuvered decorating the $1.71 million home they share together.
David and Ryan were a couple, but they made room for Michael in their relationship after a few years as they all became sexually involved. They are certainly not unique as same-sex attracted men their experimentation. The Journal notes that real-estate agents “are noticing more throuples and polycules buying homes together.”
It is true. Once you open Pandora’s Box of creative relationship construction that get called a family, it is mind boggling where it can lead too. And we can expect to see more legacy press celebrate their creation.
Photo Credit: The New York Times