The Gut-Wrenching Heartbreak of Parental Estrangement
Each month, Focus on the Family counselors talk with mothers and fathers whose adult children want nothing to do with them anymore.
In most cases, the son or daughter weren’t abused or mistreated. In a great number of cases, it’s the adult child who has cut the ties, often abruptly and with little explanation. The estrangement often carries on for months and even years.
Tragically, this trend is becoming increasingly common. One study found that 27% of adult children have cut off any relationship with their fathers and 7% with their mothers.
Making a bad situation worse is a current movement to destigmatize the intentional alienation. As the logic goes, there’s no reason to expend energy on getting along with someone who frustrates you or who won’t fully endorse and champion whatever cause, lifestyle or belief system you embrace. The ethic at play values either “cancelling” or “curating” relationships with a focus on personal convenience, positivity and inspiration.
Steve, who has dipped in and out of a functional relationship with his parents, cut off all ties with his mother and father after the election of President Donald Trump this past November. Amy stopped responding to her parents’ texts and calls because they advised her to not move in with her boyfriend.
To be sure, though escalating, this dysfunction isn’t an entirely new phenomena. As a boy, I remember my aunt and uncle traveling to Europe to try and reestablish contact with their daughter. She refused to open her apartment door when they knocked on it. My parents were in tears just talking about the cruelty of such a response.
A 33-year-old woman who was raised in a Christian home and who now disagrees with her parents’ faith, is quoted in the January edition of Cosmopolitan magazine that “It’s an extreme privilege to have a great relationship with your adult children.”
The insinuation is that mothers and fathers shouldn’t expect anything when it comes to their adult children, or in the very least, must earn what the child decides to allow.
The presence of grandchildren adds another layer of heartache to incidents of estrangement. In some cases, the disgruntled adult child might use the child as leverage or a torturous tactic akin to pouring salt in the wound.
Mothers and fathers aren’t perfect, of course, and there can be legitimate reasons for tension and the use of healthy boundaries between parents and adult children. It’s the wise parent that honestly and thoughtfully examines their actions, both past and current, in an effort to determine their responsibility. If there was any offense, they should apologize, ask for forgiveness, and then deliberately plot and plan a better way forward.
If the case involves actual abuse or potential danger, adult children must protect themselves and family members in their care. But in a great number situations, if the adult child refuses to work through the offense, whether perceived or actual, our counselors offer the following guidance.
Honor the boundaries your child (and, if married, their spouse) have set, no matter how harsh or unreasonable. If they’ve asked you not to call, don’t call. If you dismiss these boundaries, you’ll only end up validating their negative image of you.
Guard your own heart. It would be easy to fall into depression and anxiety or to beat yourself up and blame yourself for matters beyond your control. Don’t fall into that trap. Don’t become bitter, and don’t believe lies about your own dignity as a person. Do whatever it takes to stay emotionally healthy and keep yourself psychologically safe in spite of the circumstances.
If the situation allows for it – you know best if it does – send your child (and spouse) a card with a brief message expressing your love and good-will a couple of times a year, perhaps on birthdays and at Christmas. It’s a small thing, but it will let them know that your hearts are still open toward them. Remember Romans 12:21 – “Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.” Look for opportunities to express your love in unobtrusive ways. And remain prayerful.
Focus on the Family has a staff of counselors available to speak with you over the phone. They can refer you to reputable and qualified Christian therapists in your area. They’d also be more than happy to discuss your concerns with you person-to-person. Call our Counseling department for a free consultation.
Additional Resources
Focusonthefamily.com/AbusiveRelationships
Family Estrangement: 6 Ways to Reconcile with Adult Children
Just Annoying, or Truly Unsafe? How to Navigate Get-Togethers With Difficult Family
When Adult Children Don’t Share Your Values
Distance In Relationship With Grown Child
