Falling in Love versus Learning to Love

Human relationships with the opposite sex are a fundamental part of being human. We have them at work, school and in our community. They are nice and make our lives interesting, for sure. But opposite sex relationships really reveal their most consequential and rewarding richness in romantic, marital, and sexual relationships.

Of course, this brings to mind the topic of love, for that is what draws together and enlivens such relationships. And after all, civilization does not work without love and procreative sexuality, and marriage is all about these two essential virtues.

That is why a new article over at the Institute for Family Studies entitled “The Other Side of Marriage” is so important. It addresses two seemingly competing truths that marital love is one of the most wonderful and difficult things in the world. This piece, although coming from a secular, psychological approach, contends with this important observation. The author explains, “The difficulties of marriage offer both the opportunity and the imperative to develop abilities – patience, discipline, self-awareness, curiosity, generosity – that are essential to strong and lasting love.”

This comes down to living in the wonder of falling in and remaining in love with one’s spouse, but also, like anything else that is important in life, working on and maintaining that love. This second part is the secret of marriage. This article explains, “We overvalue uncomplicated romantic bliss, individuality, control, choice, and comfort – all things that an intimate, committed relationship is likely to disrupt.”

Marriage is disruptive because it takes place over long periods of time and in the warp and woof of real life. In fact, do not the marriage vows – as they point to both easy and difficult times – anticipate such problems in the promises declared between husband and wife?

Learning to live in the messy reality of daily life of marriage is where our marriages become stronger. IFS explains, “Engaging with difficulties instead of pulling away or becoming aggressive is how you learn to turn marital conflict into real growth.” They add, “Hard conversations offer you the chance to learn to speak well and listen well when it’s distressingly difficult.” This is where genuine love is not only just “felt” but actually worked on and through.

IFS concludes, “Your interdependence and that extra sensitivity to each other that’s both wonderful and, at times, uncomfortable, can be the source of insight and problem solving.” This is the unavoidable path to an even stronger marriage because you are both becoming stronger, healthier people for having worked together on these challenges as a couple. Marriage includes both the feelings and the work of love.

I Corinthians 13:4-8 so beautifully explains what love is:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

As we clearly see, each of these are more intentional decisions and personal character qualities built up over time through hard work, discipline and learning a godly perspective, rather than feelings or emotions. Marriage includes both, but the latter is the spice that enlivens the meat and substance of the former. Great marriages rest on feelings toward and hard work with our spouse.

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