The Tragic and Unnecessary Rise of “Grey Divorce”

Overall divorce rates may be declining, but not for Americans over the age of 50.

After decades together, more couples are calling it quits in what’s known as “grey divorce.”

In fact, while the overall divorce rate is down nearly 50% since the peak period of the 1980s, nearly 40% of them today involve couples over the age of 50.

In the New York Times on Monday, we read about Alan Hickenbottom, whose 30‑plus‑year marriage unraveled for many familiar reasons:

Their early years together were fun and exciting. They bonded over a shared love of books and art, and a desire to do good things in the world. (Mr. Hickenbottom, 67, worked in renewable energy for decades; his ex was a teacher and a school librarian.)

Then they threw themselves enthusiastically into raising their two children, he said. But as often happens, when the kids left for college, Mr. Hickenbottom realized that he and his wife were more like colleagues and roommates than romantic partners.

Alan and his wife reportedly tried counseling, but with no positive change. Recognizing that he hopefully had decades left to live, Mr. Hickenbottom decided to call it quits.

Since Focus on the Family’s founding in 1977, the ministry has fielded hundreds of thousands of inquiries from couples similarly struggling to revive a stagnant or dull marriage. Many of those who reach out have spent decades raising children and have slowly but decidedly drifted apart.

Focus on the Family’s Dr. Greg Smalley, who serves as the ministry’s vice president of marriage and family formation, has dedicated much of his time and study to this troubling phenomenon. 

“Couples get busy, and it’s easy to drift apart and feel disconnected,” he has said. “Husbands and wives need to learn to be intentional about making time every day to talk about their inner life. We put so much effort and energy into courting, dating, and winning each other, but after marriage our focus often shifts elsewhere.” 

It’s that distraction that can push a marriage toward the rocks, often with damaging results.

Dr. Smalley’s burden for helping couples steer clear of “grey divorce” is one of the things that drove him to help start the National Institute of Marriage, which eventually became Focus on the Family’s “Hope Restored” ministry. There are centers located in Branson, Missouri; Grand Rapids, Michigan; Wimberley, Texas; and Cave Creek, Arizona. Focus therapists help couples prayerfully and practically reimagine and recast their unions.

One of Hope Restored’s distinct features is that the program is biblically based and doesn’t subscribe to some of the limiting and damaging philosophies that many secular counseling programs rely on when working with wounded wives and husbands.

The article in the New York Times highlights the growing trend of seeing marriage “as a vehicle for love and self-actualization” rather than a covenant between a couple and God. While the Bible sees marriage as a lifelong commitment (Matthew 19:6), modern psychology often sees it as more of a transactional relationship, a temporary contract that might exist only so long as it serves selfish interests. 

If you find yourself in a stagnant or challenging marriage, Focus on the Family stands poised to help. In addition to our Hope Restored ministry, we have resources to recommend and a highly reputable referral program that can connect you and your spouse to a local and licensed Christian counselor.

With a humble posture and the Lord’s help, the second half of your marriage can be just as exciting and fulfilling as the first.